Time does not heal you, you heal you.
Self-Ease starts here...
Time does not heal you, you heal you.
Self-Ease starts here...
Desires,goals,wishes,wants. You name it, it all boils down to the same thing. Something we don't have but would like in our lives in the future (or perhaps the not so distant future - we can get impatient us humans).
Not to be confused with needs however as these are something different. As human beings we all have needs, basic ones like food, water and shelter and other needs like all important LOVE. But thats a whole new blog or rather a few million. So today, I'm going to briefly talk about the things we want/desire in life and one way we can begin to manifest them.
Today, I bought some lottery tickets, something I only do randomly I might add. For a moment, I day dream that I will be the 'next BIG winner', leave Walmart kiosk and go home. That could be me one day according to the Lottery ads but until that big win that will solve all my financial woes and fill in a few (well a lot) of needs I tell myself I must make a plan.
In the chopped words of Benjamin Franklin, "fail to plan, plan to fail". He was right. Anyone who has ever made it big or been successful in business and life in general has made a plan in some way shape or form. Now there are the plans we make in our heads which get lost and buried, the plans we talk incessantly about but never actually get around to doing and the plans we, well we don't make. Instead we wish, dream and desire without substantial actions.
Take a look at this pic below.
What are your thoughts? Do you want to turn around and head back where you came from? Move over to the side and pitch a tent in hope that the calvary will come along...any minute now or start stepping so you get to see what's up ahead?
Well, imagine this road as your life (indulge me for a minute). All your desires, dreams and wishes could be over that hill in the distance.
As we can't stop time, you will either be dragged down the path by someone else, pushed by the wind in a go-with-the flow kind of way or you could take steps to reach your goals. So literally taking those steps are super important!
A good place to start is to write down your goals. Short term and long term. No one has to see them and you can use it as an indicator of where you're at and where you want to go with life.
Here are 7 top reasons as to why goal setting is important.
1) It allows you to see accomplishments
Its great when you can look back and check off that item on your list. It provides a sense of personal satisfaction and achievement. A reminder that 'YOU CAN DO IT'
2) Encourages you to check in with yourself
Revisiting your goals helps you to identify your position. You can ask yourself questions like: How am I doing? What could I do to improve? Has something on my list changed?
This can be a good time to check in with your values. There could have been significant growth and personal development that has created unexpected change. Having goals change isn't necessary a bad thing.
3) Acts as a useful sharing tool
Our goals are very personal but often tied in with our partners. This can be useful to do, say once a year with your partner. Have your goals changed? Are they different to that of your partner? Is that a problem? This could be a good time to sit down and check in with a counsellor for further assessment and support.
4) Ask, Believe, Achieve!
Some of you may have seen this term if your into spiritually or have read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Although there is more to manifesting our goals then simply asking once and waiting, having our goals somewhere we can see them is the best way to incorporate manifesting them on a daily basis. I firmly believe that gratitude is one of the universes best kept secrets. As you look at your goals, take a moment to close your eyes and feel as though you already have them.
Use them as you meditate. You are worthy and deserving, remember that!
5)Provides Real Accountability
Procrastination, feeling sorry for yourself or just plain laziness will show if you reach a milestone and you haven't checked off any boxes. So what happened? Did something go wrong or was you plain lazy. Now don't get me wrong we are all allowed the occasional day off but too many lazy days isn't very productive. There is a difference between self-care and being idle. Worse still blaming someone else for why you haven't moved. So who do you want to be? Reach out for help from a therapist or coach who may have some useful tips on how we can change things.
6) Increases Motivation
Ever had one of those days when you have lost all time and wonder why you got out of bed in the morning? At times we meander through life and its easy to lose sight of what it is we are striving for. A quick look at our goals in the morning helps to provide some focus and hopefully motivates us to cease the day ahead. Briefly review your list and remember why you came. (here on earth that is)
7) Reminds you to stay on track
Is something your doing out of line with your goals? Remember you are in control. If we focus more on what we can control instead of what we can't we can lead less stressful lives. We all have choices and decisions to make. The choice to say hello to a stranger, skip meditation or the gym can result in different experiences for us.
Ever seen the film sliding doors? Its a film about two possibilities, one when the actress Gwyneth Paltrow manages to get on the train and one where she misses it. Having our goals in mind may help us when it comes to making everyday decisions.
No matter what our goals are, big or small, it's important to be kind to ourselves on our journey through life. We all need a helping hand at times and there should be no shame in asking for support.
So....How do I do this? I hear you shout.
Aren't you in luck. The universe has synchronized our meeting of paths and I've created a short two-page document for jotting down your goals for you to access right here!
The first page can be used for a longer term plan and can be revisited every New Year perhaps. This is a great way to review the year past and make any necessary changes. Most importantly, celebrate your triumphs and achievements.
The second page can be completed and put somewhere where you can view it daily for all of the reasons above.
All the best with your goal setting and beyond. KD
We all deserve to be with someone who will help us to grow and not expect us to change*but how is this achieved?*
Many of us have been in or are currently in romantic relationships where we are not happy, not even close to content or feel stuck in the dreaded relationship rut. We are quick to blame the other person for being at fault and needing to change or fix things. This kind of thinking will rarely provide resolve and the likelihood of remaining in this place of doubt and frustration will remain. How many of you have battled with that loaded question, Should I stay or go? This is one of the most difficult questions to answer and if said out loud should ALWAYS be rhetorical. It is also something that we should answer for ourselves. Point being is that anyone else's opinion or answer could pave the way for later blame and we owe it to ourselves to treat finding the true answer to this question as important as if we were the President making a decision on pressing the button for the go ahead on nuclear action. Seriously - it's that important.
Ambivalence can be an awful place to be in but learning to accept and deal with those times when we are uncomfortable or feel at our ‘lowest’ can also be the start of a new you - the start of the road to finding your true self, your happy place, peace and contentment. It’s not easy to comprehend at a time when you feel so broken your unable to see a way out the ditch your lying slap bang in the bottom of-but there ARE brighter days ahead.
Maybe you should talk to your partner... again? Perhaps not. For any relationship, facing that mirror of truth that we often hide behind is the first thing that needs to be addressed. Rehashing the same arguments can be exhausting and often we want the other person to quit so we don't have to. This is called 'lack of ownership' and actually a tad cowardly but I get it. Sometimes the easier way out seems better than facing your worst critic. You.
Don’t Compare - one size doesn't fit all.
We have all grown up in environments with different levels of love, attention and support. Some of us recall having great childhoods, others recall having poor ones, others are on the fence and don’t have a view possibly feeling adverse to review. Regardless of how we rate our upbringing we were ALL absorbing experiences from our environments that created our beliefs today. These sub-conscious beliefs drive our actions and decisions. Some of these actions are the cause for our discontent. What ideas about adult life, love and relationships were you exposed to? The conventional one partner for life, heterosexual, monogamous marriage not so typical anymore - but how has this affected the way we view and judge others?
We all enter relationships for one reason. To be loved and give love. As simple as this sounds it can often be one of the most complex things to achieve as our needs are different from one person to the next.
How do we define and fix something so complex. The answer is not to even try. Decoding and defining something so infinitely complex is futile so instead here is my first tip to the path of contentment and ease of self within a relationship. Below is one of the first things that we can do before we decide to stay or go.
#1 Stop deciding between staying and going
Yes, I know. Sounds counterproductive, but in fact sometimes overcoming a situation means taking a step back from it.
Understand Yourself - would you choose you? Perfection is Perception.
During your time with your partner, have you changed or grown and what facilitated that? Has any change been forced or growth self-directed?- what kind of partner would you like to be and are you falling short of that? Are you striving for the perfection and what does it mean to you? Ambivalence can be a place of growth instead of pain.
Only you can answer these important questions. Until your happy with who you are, expecting someone else to be happy with you and give you everything you need simply isn't fair. Relationships are important for growth of both parties and we can only control our part. One way to honour yourself and the relationship regardless of the current state is to work on YOU.
There are many facets to one of the most challenging and often frustrating things to navigate in life but Relationships when worked on can be one of the most AMAZING experiences on this earth.
If you are feeling in a rut, desire growth or have a niggling need to change some of your behaviours but can’t seem to get started, why not give counselling a try!
A good counsellor can help you decode your thoughts and support your journey of change and growth.
How does this relate to relationship ambivalence?
Hopefully you are supported in your decision to enter into counselling and your partner can provide some emotional support outside of the session regardless of whether they understand your motivations. But if not, thats ok too. In time and with the support of a good counsellor who you connect with and trust you can find the strength within. With patience and authenticity the counselling process can be a great way of understanding your needs, developing boundaries and finding sought after clarity. Self-enhancing leads to a happier you in or out of your relationships romantic or otherwise. Therapy can help you to communicate your needs clearer and increase the self-love you need to make better informed decisions from a place of stability and ownership.
Only then will you be able to choose whether to accept that you have reached the end of your experience with your partner or if you will continue to grow and experience more within your relationship.
*Inspired by Kate Rose, Nov 1 2016 via Elephant Journal
Counsellor, Facilitator and Writer - My aim here is to provide articles which provoke thought into our inner spaces. Our many 'Selves' should be celebrated, nurtured and most of all understood. Who we are when we are by ourselves and with others is paramount to our very existence and evolution. Connect.Support and Heal with KD Self-Ease.