To Stay or To Go - Ambivalence Sucks! Or does it?

We all deserve to be with someone who will help us to grow and not expect us to change*but how is this achieved?* 

Many of us have been in or are currently in romantic relationships where we are not happy, not even close to content or feel stuck in the dreaded relationship rut. We are quick to blame the other person for being at fault and needing to change or fix things. This kind of thinking will rarely provide resolve and the likelihood of remaining in this place of doubt and frustration will remain. How many of you have battled with that loaded question, Should I stay or go? This is one of the most difficult questions to answer and if said out loud should ALWAYS be rhetorical. It is also something that we should answer for ourselves. Point being is that anyone else's opinion or answer could pave the way for later blame and we owe it to ourselves to treat finding the true answer to this question as important as if we were the President making a decision on pressing the button for the go ahead on nuclear action. Seriously - it's that important. 


Ambivalence can be an awful place to be in but learning to accept and deal with those times when we are uncomfortable or feel at our ‘lowest’ can also be the start of a new you - the start of the road to finding your true self, your happy place, peace and contentment. It’s not easy to comprehend at a time when you feel so broken your unable to see a way out the ditch your lying slap bang in the bottom of-but there ARE brighter days ahead. 
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Maybe you should talk to your partner... again? Perhaps not. For any relationship, facing that mirror of truth that we often hide behind is the first thing that needs to be addressed. Rehashing the same arguments can be exhausting and often we want the other person to quit so we don't have to. This is called 'lack of ownership' and actually a tad cowardly but I get it. Sometimes the easier way out seems better than facing your worst critic. You.

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Don’t Compare - one size doesn't fit all.

We have all grown up in environments with different levels of love, attention and support. Some of us recall having great childhoods, others recall having poor ones, others are on the fence and don’t have a view possibly feeling adverse to review.  Regardless of how we rate our upbringing we were ALL absorbing experiences from our environments that created our beliefs today. These sub-conscious beliefs drive our actions and decisions. Some of these actions are the cause for our discontent. What ideas about adult life, love and relationships were you exposed to? The conventional one partner for life, heterosexual, monogamous marriage not so typical anymore - but how has this affected the way we view and judge others? 
We all enter relationships for one reason. To be loved and give love. As simple as this sounds it can often be one of the most complex things to achieve as our needs are different from one person to the next. 


How do we define and fix something so complex. The answer is not to even try. Decoding and defining something so infinitely complex is futile so instead here is my first tip to the path of contentment and ease of self within a relationship. Below is one of the first things that we can do before we decide to stay or go.


#1 Stop deciding between staying and going


Yes, I know. Sounds counterproductive, but in fact sometimes overcoming a situation means taking a step back from it.


Understand Yourself - would you choose you?  Perfection is Perception.
During your time with your partner, have you changed or grown and what facilitated that? Has any change been forced or growth self-directed?- what kind of partner would you like to be and are you falling short of that? Are you striving for the perfection and what does it mean to you? Ambivalence can be a place of growth instead of pain. 


Only you can answer these important questions. Until your happy with who you are, expecting someone else to be happy with you and give you everything you need simply isn't fair. Relationships are important for growth of both parties and we can only control our part. One way to honour yourself and the relationship regardless of the current state is to work on YOU. 


There are many facets to one of the most challenging and often frustrating things to navigate in life but Relationships when worked on can be one of the most AMAZING experiences on this earth. 


If you are feeling in a rut, desire growth or have a niggling need to change some of your behaviours but can’t seem to get started, why not give counselling a try!
A good counsellor can help you decode your thoughts and support your journey of change and growth. 


How does this relate to relationship ambivalence?


Hopefully you are supported in your decision to enter into counselling and your partner can provide some emotional support outside of the session regardless of whether they understand your motivations. But if not, thats ok too. In time and with the support of a good counsellor who you connect with and trust you can find the strength within. With patience and authenticity the counselling process can be a great way of understanding your needs, developing boundaries and finding sought after clarity. Self-enhancing leads to a happier you in or out of your relationships romantic or otherwise. Therapy can help you to communicate your needs clearer and increase the self-love you need to make better informed decisions from a place of stability and ownership.


Only then will you be able to choose whether to accept that you have reached the end of your experience with your partner or if you will continue to grow and experience more within your relationship. 


Written by 


Kerrin Daniels


*Inspired by Kate Rose, Nov 1 2016 via Elephant Journal

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